Soul Envy by Kristen Fife Nick stood gazing out at the foggy swirl of the November night, a million memories flashing through his mind. Amidst the memories of other foggy nights, moonlit evenings, sultry summer and dark pre-dawn icy winter mornings were laced the common theme of a beautiful woman that was forever beside him.sister, lover, friend, wife, vampire. Janette. His love and the dark flame of his passion for so many hundreds of years, and the woman who had achieved, even for the shortest time, that which he longed for and craved more than anything else in his long existence. The elusive chalice of his dreams, mortality. He sighed and moved away from the tall window and went to pour himself another wineglass of blood, gazing at the crackling fire. He knew without looking at a clock that it was just after ten o'clock, and he knew she wouldn't be over before midnight. Just then the phone rang. He strode over to pick it up. "Knight here." As soon as he heard Natalie's voice a soft smile came across his features. "Hey Nick.I know we didn't make any plans for tonight, but I heard that a movie just came out on video I've been dying to see.you interested in a night at Le Theatre de Brabant? I'll even bring you a protein shake..yummm..." He chuckled. "Actually, I do have plans for early on, and I'm not sure how long they'll take. How about I call you around 2 or 3 and let you know if I'm going to be up to a movie?" he replied. An evening with Nat could be just the anodyne he might need depending on this conversation he was both dreading and anticipating. There was a pause on the other end, and Natalie finally said in a worried tone, "is everything OK? Do you need anything from me?" Nick was touched by her concern. "No, it's fine. Truly, I will call. If you want to make other plans, feel free. But I'll check in with you. Promise." Natalie said "Sure, I can do some laundry or watch Letterman or something until you call. If I don't hear from you by three I'll just assume got tied up. Bye." He hung up the phone. Nick could tell she was a little bit hurt, but there was nothing he could do to assuage it, and he felt a tinge of guilt. He needed to talk to Janette about some things while she was in town, before she left to go back to Montreal. She hadn't said how long that would be, but he knew it wouldn't be very long. And since Natalie figured prominently in his motivation for talking to Janette, he didn't dare put it off. Oh Nat, he thought to himself. I wish I could give you so much more.you deserve it. He walked over to the piano, restless after his brief conversation with Natalie. He set his glass down and began to let his hands wander over the keys, plucking out one melody after another, all either plaintive or mournful. He became so engrossed in his music for the next two hours that he didn't hear the lift rumble until the door to the loft opened and he realized that Janette stood there looking at him, understanding and compassion mirrored in her clear blue eyes. He abruptly stopped playing, hands poised over the keys. She looked regal and magnificent, as always, but there was softness to her expression that he knew was a result of her life of the last two years. He got up to meet her, as she glided silently across the floor. They met in a tender embrace which they held, wordless, for long moments before finally Nick pulled away and kissed each of her cool cheeks. "Janette." It was all he said. She smiled slowly at him, and raised a cold hand to his own equally cold face. "Mon cher, why so melancholy?" Her voice was haunting and melodic, although with an underlying sadness that reached out to him through their shared blood link. He grabbed her right hand from against his cheek and brought the palm to his lips. Then he smiled, and his somber mien lit up with a smile. "Just lost in my thoughts. Would you like something to drink? I have a bottle of the Raven reserve that I keep for company." She smiled and nodded once in acquiescence. He headed to the kitchen while she took off her wrap, a long blue velvet cape with a hood. He smiled to himself to think how much her background was still reflected in her personal style. She dropped the cape on the piano bench and started wandering around the room, looking at everything with new-old eyes. He refilled his own glass after filling another glass from the dusty bottle he pulled out of his pantry. Heading over to the leather sofa, he set both glasses down on the coffee table, crossed his legs and waited for Janette to join him from her meanderings. She took her time, stopping long enough to hunt around his CD collection for some music she found appealing, dropping it into the CD player, and Handel gently filled the room. She finally turned to look at him, and she had a slight smile on her face. "Remember the night we went to hear Handel's Messiah open in London that spring? The one where LaCroix kept complaining about the one viola that was off-key?" Nick smiled, and he did indeed remember the sour expression on LaCroix's face at the personal affront of one instrument in the orchestra being slightly sharp. He spent the entire night after the concert grumbling about the experience being ruined by one stupid tone-deaf mortal. "Oh, yes. Only he would find a personal insult in one of the most glorious pieces of choral work ever written. But then, that's LaCroix." Slowly, Janette walked over to him and gracefully sat down, picked up her wine and raised it in silent salute. "Merci", and then she took a sip. Her expression was unreadable as she drank the wine and continued to gaze at him with her clear blue eyes in her beautiful marble face. Finally, Nick broke the silence. "Thank you so much for coming over. I know you want to get back to Montreal. I have no desire to keep you longer than you care to stay." The unspoken understanding lay between them. Because of the current incarnation of their relationship, Nick could force Janette to stay with him. Bringing her back across had changed their relationship in more ways than could be counted, but he had no intention of ever subjecting her to the pain and suffering LaCroix had enjoyed inflicting on his fledglings. Besides which, Janette was a unique rarity, and although was now a "young" vampire, she had an unprecedented millennium of experience to draw from. She looked deeply at him again, and he could feel relief and gratitude flood their link. And underlying everything else, the deep sorrow of great loss. "Nicholas, I cannot say that I know what to do with my life anymore. But I do know that you helped me as best you could and did the only thing you thought was right. And I have not said thank you, which I do want to do. And, I know you are burning with curiosity and I'll answer your questions as best I can. The truth of it is, I feel so guilty that I was given something you want more than anything else in the universe, and I didn't seek it. Please know, if I could in any way have given you what I had, I would do so in a human heartbeat. My love, can you ever forgive me?" Nick was amazed. He had no idea that Janette felt guilt over her brief return to mortality on HIS account. And, in the deepest recesses of his soul, he knew he burned with an envy and a part of him screamed out in rage at the injustice of the universe, flinging up the silent question.why? Why Janette, who never once regretted her immortality, when he yearned for release and to walk in the sun and had tried for two centuries to atone for the evil he had committed. A part of him wept silently with the guilt that would not allow him even the strength that Janette had obviously shown in restraining herself with a mortal lover. Nick despaired of ever being able to love Natalie the way he longed to. "Janette, I have no idea how to tell you what that means to me. I know you never wanted a return to mortality. I am just so sorry that you lost so much in so short a time. I know you told me about the blood you took from Robert, but I guess my biggest question is, 'how'?" He had been afraid to ask and yet compelled at the same time to ask his daughter how she had managed the control that allowed her to start drinking from Robert and yet not deplete him and bring him to the point where she was forced to bring him across or lose him. He had assimilated all her memories from her return back across, but he still did not understand the control she exerted. From her memories, it did not seem to be an issue, just something natural for her. Nick knew that Janette was strong and powerful, but he also knew that, as a vampire, he probably had greater control over his beast than she had always had. He had a difficult time believing that would have changed in two short years away from the family. She lowered her eyes and twirled her goblet between her fingers. Nick knew that she was marshalling her thoughts and thinking about her answer. He also knew that SHE knew how much her answers meant to him personally. Finally she began speaking, still not raising her eyes from her swirling blood wine as she spoke. "I cannot explain it to you. I drank from Robert the first time we made love and I only could take so much. I got full and completely sated after just a few swallows. And each time we made love it was the same. The amounts slowly-about an eighth of a teaspoon less every third or fourth time we were together-filled me more and I started having cravings for.other foods. The first thing I actually ate was a piece of very rare steak. We had gone out to dinner and Robert ordered a rare filet mignon. As usual, I was having nothing but wine, which I didn't really drink. Robert's steak came and smelled so overpoweringly GOOD, and I felt a hunger different from the thirst for blood, that I decided to try a bit. I took a VERY small bite and felt as if a whole new world had opened up in front of me. I also tried a very small sip of his wine.plain, undiluted wine. The sensation was so different from blood wine. I felt good after I had eaten and had mortal food. Slowly, I began to eat and drink more with him, until I realized that, except for the smaller amounts of blood I was taking from him, I no longer wanted any other blood. And then, one morning, after about eight months, I was asleep in our bed, and realized there was something hot and bright on my face. I opened my eyes and saw the sun shining in through the window. I had forgotten to close it the night before. I sat there for several minutes and suddenly realized I was feeling the SUN on my FACE. I sat up in bed, and walked over to the window and looked out on the garden. At the flowers in the spring sunshine." At this point she lifted her beautiful face to look at Nick, and he saw blood tears streaming from her eyes and felt the pang of beauty and joy and the intensity of loss keening through their link. "Oh Nicholas. I felt my heart start to beat, continuously, and I thought of you and I wept for both of us." Nick sat still, his emotions in turmoil. He had hoped for more answers from tonight, not more questions. He looked at Janette, and he knew his disappointment was not only written on his face, but that his bitter despair was translated to Janette through their blood bond as well. He reached a hand out and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Janette, I will not say that I am not disappointed, nor will I lie and say that I do not envy you even the briefest time you had, but I will say above and beyond all else that the fact that you even thought of me at that moment is a memory I will cherish with me as long as I walk this earth, in any incarnation, mortal or immortal. Oh my sweet lady. The fates are cruel to us both, are they not?" Janette smiled tremulously, and nodded into his hand. She turned and kissed his palm. "Oui, they are at that." She stopped her tears, and took another sip of her blood wine. They sat in silence for several moments, each of them struggling to collect their respective thoughts and composure. Finally, Janette set her drink down and stood up. "I have other appointments this evening. However, I would like to talk some more. Perhaps in two nights?" She looked at him, her eyes reflecting the firelight. Nick nodded, and she leaned down to kiss his brow, put on her cloak, and left by the lift. Nick closed his eyes and opened his mind to find the memories she had talked about, and sat for the better part of an hour analyzing them as best he could. Finally he sighed and opened his eyes, no more knowledgeable than he had been two hours ago. He got up, and reached for the phone. He hit Natalie's speed dial number and waited for her to pick up, sincerely hoping she had not found other activities to occupy her on her night off. She picked up on the third ring. "County Morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em." Nick grinned, and said "You know Nat, that isn't as funny a joke when you ARE the county coroner. And if I didn't feel pretty sure that you are just saying it for MY benefit, I'd think you had lost your marbles." "Of course it was you. Who else would be calling me at 2 AM on a Wednesday.no make that Thursday.morning? So, did you want me to come on over or did your appointment make you decide to skip a night with the neighborhood Doctor of the Dead and Undead?" Nick's smile got even wider. Obviously Natalie was in good humor; she only made those sarcastic jokes when she was in a good mood. "I'd really like it if you would come over. My only request is that whatever movie you bring is either a comedy or a romance or a romantic comedy.nothing too serious. What were you interested in?" She immediately replied, "Sliding Doors.it's a somewhat romantic movie about a woman's life taking different paths based on a single incident occurring or not occurring in her life." She was quiet, and Nick finally realized she was waiting for him to respond. "That sounds interesting Nat, sure. I'll get the popcorn popper warmed up and I promise some hot chocolate will be waiting for you.is that enticement enough?" She chuckled on the other end. "Popcorn AND hot chocolate? Wow, I'm beginning to feel extra special. I'll be there in forty-five minutes. See you then. Bye". She hung up without waiting for his response. Oh Natalie, you are more than "extra special", Nick's thoughts said. You are the brightest, warmest most, precious gift I have ever been given. Someday, somehow, someway, we will find our way into the sun. And smile or cry at the flowers in the garden. Together.