Disclaimers: I do not own Natalie, Nick, or any of the other characters
portrayed in Forever Knight. They are the property of Sony/TriStar,
J.Parriott, etc. no copyright infringement intended. 
 Permission is give to archive at Mel's fkfanfic site and the ftp site.
All others, please ask.
 After re-watching 'Francesca', I was reminded of how stricken I was by
Nat's reaction to Nick's telling her of the blood. Hence, this is told
from Nat's POV. 
 

Ponderings 
by KC Smith

   My first thoughts were 'why hasn't he ever told me this before?'. All
of these years that I've been treating him, I always assumed that the
blood was merely a form of sustenance~ the thing that was keeping him
from coming back across.
 I didn't believe in the metaphysical... I still don't, to a degree. But
I have to admit, if the blood can convey all of those things about a
person; their life, their loves, their hopes and dreams, then perhaps
there is more to vampirism than what I previously believed.
 As I sat there listening to Nick describe the sensations, I couldn't
help but wonder what it would be like. The more I've thought about it,
the more I've begun to ache for it...

  Oh God! Why didn't he tell me?
 I want to feel him inside of me... not just in the act of lovemaking. I
want to share his blood; to have him share mine... 
 "Imagine if you could know someone's soul, just by sharing their blood.
Everything you know, everything you are, transformed into touch and
taste... imagine the temptation to take just one sip. One sip and then
another, and another...  to take them inside you and know every secret...
to let them know yours. To be them. That's why it's such a tough habit to
break." Nick said.
 Ohhh... God help me, but that is what I want. To know someone~ to know
*Nick*~ that intimately. 
 For him to know me that intimately.
 As I listened to his deep voice whispering to me, I imagined him taking
me into his arms and sinking his fangs into my neck. At that moment, I
would have gladly died, just for the experience he was describing.
 The scary thing is, I'm still willing to risk dying for it.
 
   I've thought a long time about becoming a vampire. Oh, sure, the first
time it was when I thought the world was going to end. I was acting on my
fear and panic and I was glad, in the end, that Nick had refused to bring
me across and had saved me from Spark.
 But since that incident, I've really thought hard about it. The down
sides; having to drink blood, give up the sunlight and solid food,
outliving friends and family. 
 But I rarely go out in the sun. Since I started helping Nick and took on
the permanent night shift ME position, I only get out in the sun on rare
occasions. I actually prefer the darkness; the night. It's quieter and
there are less people to deal with. I've always been relatively shy, so
I've always tried to avoid being around a lot of people. That's why I
chose Pathology, in the first place.
 Sure, I'd miss chocolate and Chinese Food... but at least vampires don't
gain weight.
 All of my immediate family is dead, except Amy and Sarah. But I don't
even see them much, since Sarah remarried and they moved to Florida. And
since I work nights and sleep days, my friends have all kind of moved on
without me. Nick is the only real friend I have left, since Grace got
married and moved away.
 I always thought it would be wonderful to be able to fly. To never grow
old, or get sick. To not have to worry about being accosted as I walked
down the street. To be able to hypnotize someone into doing~ or not
doing~ something.
 Up until now, the only real qualm I had against vampirism, was drinking
blood. 

 But not anymore.
 Not since last night.
 Why didn't he tell me?
 
  Did he know I'd react this way? Did he know I would crave that
closeness, that oneness?
 Does he desire the same from me? Does he lie awake during the day and
wonder what my blood tastes like, what it would reveal about me? Does he
crave the same intimacy with me?
 
  I don't know what to do. I've known for some time now that we aren't
really making any progress towards a cure. I haven't had the heart to
tell Nick.
 No, that isn't true.
 I've been too afraid to tell him. Afraid that he'll move on and leave me
behind. 
 I've given up my whole life for him... I'd gladly do it again, too.  I
just can't bear the thought of living without him. Of the loneliness and
the lack of purpose in my life. I sound like a co-dependent.
 Sometimes I feel like I am so pathetic.
 I do know what I have to do. After last night, there is only one thing I
feel is the right thing to do...

 I've got to find a way to convince Nick to make love to me. 
 Either it will cure him, or it will kill me. Maybe I can even convince
him to bring me across, if it doesn't work.
 I've got to experience what he was talking about, at least once before I
die.

 Why? Why didn't he tell me about this, before?

 End